We live in a world with “I wants”. Lots of them. Some wants are selfish and others are necessities. Over the years my “wants” have turned into the dreams of my children…beautiful dreams of becoming gracious young men in an often ugly world.
I have been immensely blessed in more than a million ways. Loving parents, a devoted husband, three beautiful children, a job that I love, and a life full of lessons that have taught me what gratefulness is painted with. Through pain and heartache in my life, I have allowed my wants to be His. And in the end, He has given me an even bigger “want” than I could ever fathom. Each and every time.
Let me give you an example….
My world crumbled in late 2008. The walls of uncertainty came crashing down around my husband and I when he lost his job. Seven months of severe depression, uncertainty and sheer darkness took over my life and the life of my better half. There were many nights I spent awake, my mind searching for some type of hope…change…relief. Yet night after night I was left empty. As time pressed on I realized I had two choices. I could stop trying to fix our broken life, tattered finances and suffering relationship, or I could continue to chisel away at trying to fix what I “wanted” to change.
So, I quit hammering and I laid it all on the line. Giving my burden, my hurt to the only One who I knew could give me what I really “wanted”.
And seven months to the day, He fixed my “wants” in an unbelievable way.
There are countless recollections of my “wants” being met…and countless times they were not. When I look back on the missed opportunities and hollow heartache of certain situations I clearly see why my “wants” went unfilled. Although anger may have originally grasped my heart of hearts then…here and now I know there was deep meaning in each of them.
This leads me to here.
I have dreamed of becoming a writer since I was a young girl. When I finally built up the courage to put the very first words of an unimaginable story on a page last year, the rest is history. Why did I wait nearly 33 years to do this?
Over the last year and a half I have come to realize the harshness of the writing world. A big black, massive hole of struggling authors trying to fulfill their “want”. I am encircled by this blinding world of trying to find a literary agent and a publisher. In reality though, I’ve come to know MANY great and talented writers, marketing groups and literary fans who leave me countless comments and fulfilling emails that fill my heart to the brim with thankfulness.
I have exactly what I’ve always “wanted”. I’m a writer, a storyteller, an author…a woman with millions of words coursing through her mind and spilling aimlessly across thousands of pages that entice, enlighten and grasp the hearts of people all over the world.
This afternoon I had to take a moment and remind myself…I know what I “want”. What every author “wants”. To write a book or books that line the shelves of bookstores all over the world. To become an author that people will flock to in order to grasp your personal signature between the pages of your mind poured out into a 300 page book that they will tell you they devoured in just two days. To receive a phone call from a movie company begging to buy the rights to your book. To stand on the set of said movie and choose the actors and actresses you envisioned when you first imagined your now world famous novel.
I get it. And yes, I “want” it.
But I also “want” to surf with zombies. Or these cool dudes who are doing…something…I don’t know what…but it looks cool!
I finished writing another book today. A book that is oh so very near and dear to my heart. The Glass Castle Dream. Some of you know it very well, and I have to admit, I sat here at my desk in tears this afternoon as I wrote the final words.
When I see Facebook posts like this, I can’t help but “want” what I dream about so often. Why I wrote The Glass Castle Dream, and ultimately what I’d like to happen with it. And if I remember correctly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with dreaming. So dream I will…
Never stop “wanting” and allow yourself to dream…always ~