The Curse of the Lizard & Toys R Us Weirdos

Talking Lizard

 

Oh my gosh, where do I start….

Yesterday. Let’s start with yesterday. Yes, let’s…

So my better half is having back issues. For the last four nights we have eaten dinner in bed. I’ve had to change the sheets everyday to remove the cracker crumbs, chip remnants and salad dressing stain. We’re classy like that.

I got him to agree to try a chiropractor yesterday. I hear they’re “quacks”. Not in ducks. I love ducks….

No disrespect if you are a chiropractor, married to a chiropractor, or stalk a chiropractor, but that’s word on the street. But desperation has set in, so we made an appointment with a local chiropractor for yesterday morning. We show up 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork. Mind you, the paperwork is on a computer, that you have to stand hunched over to fill out. I believe this was the first sign that perhaps this particular doc was a quack.

Severe back pain? Please stand hunched over while you experience shooting pains down your legs and numbness in your buttocks while you tell us WHAT causes your back pain! Standing was an option. Sweet.

Second sign Dr. McQuackenstock was not really “with it”. After standing over the computer to fill out the ridiculously long essay on the history of back pain and when it was invented, we waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. Did you know we waited?

Oh, we waited while the office staff ate donuts and fixed their router. I also learned that Sarah was planning on wearing her dark angel costume tonight to Brad’s party over in Irving where Taylor was going to be. You know, the guy with the dark wavy hair and “to die for” eyes! {Giggle!!}

“Oh my gaw, he is like BEA-U-TIFUL. Seriously, I mean, movie beautiful.” Stop giggling with the wad of donut in your mouth. That is NOT beautiful.

What the heck is movie beautiful anyway? I’m not sure I want a movie “beautiful” dude. My husband is hot, not beautiful. He’s handsome, not fantabulous. He’s HAND-SOME like, totally, and ridiculous eye candy.  And he’s mine.”

So we wait. And then we leave, because apparently having a donut campout about how sweets make you fat, but everyone continues to eat them anyway, is more important than the guy in the waiting room in complete agony. Dr. McQuackenstock follows us out and apologizes. We move on, he continues talking with a half eaten chocolate donut in his hand. No lie. Um….DONE.

We find a new chiropractor. He has hubby in and out in 30 minutes. Improvement, but we still have a ways to go. At least they weren’t eating donuts when we arrived….

Today. I tell the kids, “No homeschool. Let’s rock.” <— This is code for, “We need a break. I NEED A BREAK. Let’s go drink overpriced Starbucks coffee, shop for clothes we don’t need, and hang out at Barnes & Noble where the cool people are. Cool people hang out in bookstores. Just sayin’…

This is ONE of the many reasons why I love homeschool. My schedule, my time, my call. We spent the day together and it was epic. Lots of laughs, music, lunch, memories…this is life for me. This is what I relish. Time with my kids. Every ounce of it. I can’t imagine not having my kids with me. I love hanging out with them, and they feel the same way. 18 years isn’t that long when you think about it. In a blink of an eye, they’ll be on their own. For now, I want to be mom. The mom who pushes hard for her kids to get great grades, to explore opportunity, to instill values, but to also nurture and hang with, because without family, we have nothing.

Little A wanted to spend some of his allowance at Toys R Us. So we go. We walk. I watch a kid eat his booger, and a mother drag her two year old away from the Spiderman figures by his arm, snot running down his face. Good times…

So Little A picks an Angry Birds game. We stand in line to check out.

Our turn.

crazypeople

Checker: “Is this all today?”

Me: “Yes.”

Checker: “Do you have a rewards card.”

Me: “No.”

Checker: “Do you want to sign up for one?”

Me: “No thanks.”

Checker: “Do you want to donate a dollar to Toys for Tots?”

Me: “No thanks.”

Checker: “Do you want to buy a two year warranty for $8 for this set?”

Me: The set costs $14. An $8 warranty? Really? “Um, no thanks.”

Checker: “Do you want a free hamster?”

Me: “No.”

Checker:  “How about a free Samurai sword that can found on aisle 3?”

Me: Only if I can stab you in the eye with it.

Checker: “Do you want to pay $5 to receive $6 worth of free Willy Wonka candy? How about a bucket of edible slime that tastes like broccoli? A bicycle with a rabid dog? A clown with squeaky shoes? A monster with a lisp? A free credit card with a 56784% interest rate? A trumpet that plays 75 songs about pooping in the potty? A grasshopper with earrings? A toy truck that can also be used as an iron? A One Direction poster that glows in the dark? A scooter that flies sideways? Roller-skates that smell like strawberries when your feet sweat?”

She then prints off a receipt the length of my arm for one item. Seriously. Way to save trees, Toys R Us. Re-donk…..

We arrive home. Mr. Geico Lizard follows us in. He jumps on the washer. We try to catch the d#$^ thing. He runs. Hides. Sticks his tongue out at me. I am sweating as I beat the side of the washer with a broom handle to scare the daylights out of him. He jumps on the broom, then Little A’s foot. His tail falls off. Nasty x100.

We spend 40 minutes chasing the dad-gum thing around. He finally leaves, but not before trying to sell me car insurance. Stupid lizard….

I’m totally beat. But we still have trick or treating. Joy.

Can you carry wine while trick or treating? I am. I’ll tell them it’s vampire blood. Yeah, I’m going with that….

Happy Halloween! Oh, and CHEERS!

VSK

 

 

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