Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Spring Catalog 2015 – Bunny Taper Holders I Could Never Afford

Part I

*Dedicated to April Driggers. The one who finds my Pottery Barn hilarity actually hilarious. To others, I’m sure I’m nothing more than a crazed mother who could use some Xanax. 

Let me start by saying, I LOVE Pottery Barn, okay? If I could, my entire house would BE the ever lovin’ catalog. But, I am not of royal decent, I’ve never won the lottery, I don’t know the Kardashians, and money doesn’t grow on trees, so…

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Perhaps we should start with the opening layout above? What do we see here? Beautiful white walls, gorgeous upholstered dining room chairs, fresh flowers, and tapered candles.

Oh yes, this is the eye of perfection. I would love for my dining room to look like this. That dining room table is to freakin’ die for! The thing is, I’d have to die and collect my life insurance policy to pay for said table, because frankly, $2,399 is not pocket change. And it doesn’t come with the chairs. Please add in an additional $349 per chair. Oh you wanted leather, sweetie? Make that $499 a chair.

I would love to sit my arse on that $499 chair. Do you think it feels like silk? Maybe it melts the fat off your rear while you stuff your face with honey ham and mashed potatoes? Remember while sitting in said chair, to smile at your husband while taking small bites of your dinner, your guilty conscience recalling the chocolate bunny you stole out your child’s Easter basket and ate secretly while in the kitchen an hour earlier while making dinner. Do you feel remorse for that? I bet that chair would make you purge your sins. Only because the credit card statement will be arriving in less than a week. You know, the statement with this Pottery Barn dining room set charged on it. I see your smile fading…

Let’s talk about the less than half empty wine glasses on the table. Is this is how you fill your wine glasses for your dinner guests? If you do, we can’t be friends.

See those candles in the  middle of the table? That’s called the “Pierced Bunny Taper Holder”. I’m sorry, did someone murder a rabbit and pierce it with candles? This seems like a cheery centerpiece for Easter. How about calling it the “Sensational Bunny Taper Holder” or the “EPIC Bunny Taper Holder”?

“Oh Marge, I just love that candle holder in the center of your lovely table? What’s it called?”

“Pierced Bunny Taper Holder. You stab it with your favorite colored candles and light it on fire. Cool, huh?” Just NO.

I also love the addition of the knitted throw hung over the back of the chair at the end of the table. Did your guest request this? Does anyone sit at a fancy meal and think, “Well dang, I’m a little chilly while eating this wonderful slice of cured honey ham. If only I had a blanket to cover up with while I ate…”

P.S. Apparently the throw is not for sale. Well, that does it for me. If I can’t have the throw along with the $349 chair, I’m sorry, I mean…I just can’t. The room won’t flow at all without it. I can’t eat my meal without covering myself up…

~ VSK

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Fall Catalog 2012…Cue the Holiday Music and Make-Believe Elves

 

I know. I’m late with this installment. Welcome to my life. I’ve had this post envisioned for over a week now.

So, FINALLY here I sit, in my yoga pants, no make-up and Pandora rocking the confines of my office as I hum along to Mr. Mister. <— Remember…I’m an 80’s girl fanatic!

The unrealistic photography of Pottery Barn continues to boggle this Texas girl’s mind. Let’s look over page 20, class. I’ll wait while you get your catalog. {drumming fingers on the desk}

1) I’m not sure why they chose Snow White’s house to use as their backdrop. 99.9% of us don’t live in house like this. If I did, I’d never leave…because it looks AWESOME…and expensive. I bet one of the Kardashian’s lives here…or Mick Jagger.

2) The pinecone wreath on the door is fabulous, despite the $99 price tag. I’ll just walk over to my neighbors house, steal their pinecones out of their yard, and make the same wreath. Minus the ugly gold deer antlers glued to said pinecones. What do antlers and pinecones have to do with one another? I wonder if a vegetarian would hang this wreath on their door…..

3) The lanterns on the steps are interesting. Especially since they are lit with tea light candles during the middle of the day. I want to know what housewife would go out every morning and light these suckers! Oh, and the lanterns are $69 for the medium size and $129 for the large. According to this photo, said housewife spent $852 on lanterns for her PORCH. I’m guessing she’s single. If I spent this much on lanterns, my husband would kill me. I would do the same to him if he bought a “make your own beer” kit at Home Depot…

4) A sleigh with perfectly wrapped brown paper and twine presents sitting on the sidewalk. UPS missed leaving these parcels on the porch. He must of been afraid of breaking the $852 lanterns left carelessly on the steps. {rolling eyes}

5) Two words ~ Fake Snow. Someone got a little crazy with the cotton candy machine on this one…

We will be discussing page 35 next week. OH YES, it is worth discussing. {giggle}

Cheers {and Pottery Barn high-fives} ~

VSK

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Fall Catalog 2012…Where Magic Roams and Gravy Bowls Cost $200

If I could crawl inside the Pottery Barn magazine and live there, I would. I tried that in my local Pottery Barn store, but you can only lounge on their display couch for so long before the alarm sounds and “Trudy” the sales lady asks if she can place a custom order of this particular couch FOR you, as she looks over her sporty black framed glasses with a snotty glare. I politely respond no, and move over to the other side of the store and pretend to have dinner with the other customers at a $6,983,998.00 dining room table that I am going to beg my husband to buy me for Christmas….

So, I got the new November 2012 catalog in the mail yesterday, and when I saw it, I started to sweat and breathe heavy…because I know I’m going to want everything in it, but I choose not to rack up a $20,000 credit card bill to live like the Kardashian’s. If I had to guess though, Pottery Barn is probably too “posh” for their taste. Is posh a real word? Anyhow….

As I flipped through the catalog this morning while I ate a bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese and drank a hot cup of Chai, I started to reflect on the creepiness of some of Pottery Barn’s photographs. Like, how UNREAL they really are. As a writer, I over analyze things. This drives particular people crazy in my family…(clearing throat) the guy who sleeps next to me at night…

I understand these photographs are meant to be fairytale like, but I also saw how weird they really are. Let’s start with this picture.

*Grab your Pottery Barn catalog and follow along. Page 12 & 13. You know you have it sitting right next to you, pages dog-eared because you know somehow, someway you WILL buy that $89 wood pedestal on page 11. You have no idea where you’ll put it, but you want it.

What does this picture say to you?

Does it say, “Come sit here and pretend the world revolves around you as you lounge in your world of unicorns and rainbows on a Tuesday afternoon?”

I think that’s what Pottery Barn WANTS you to think, but let’s pick this apart further.

  1. There are too many pillows on the  couch. This says, “This couch costs $2299 and it’s for LOOKING at, NOT sitting on.” It also says, you apparently have neat stacking issues with your throw pillows. Perhaps you’ve taken the word “throw” a bit too far here.
  2. The coffee table ottoman. Who stacks this much stuff on their’s? It’s begging for a young child to drop kick your $40 fake silver pumpkins because they are shiny…and we all know kids are drawn to shiny expensive things. They are simply more fun to break. P.S. Why are there napkins on the ottoman? I don’t see any food…I see drinks, but if you are that messy with drinks perhaps you should eat in the kitchen…or better yet, use a sippy cup.
  3. The fireplace is GINORMOUS and the fire is tiny. Photoshop epic fail. I don’t think Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs live here. If they did, I would be a bit more understanding…
  4. There is a horse with a knife for a leg on the mantel. There is no discussion needed here…
  5. There is a lot of alcohol in this picture…not to mention each one has a name tag tied to it. Apparently this family has issues with sharing. I don’t think Daddy is the only one who likes Cognac. If you have extra alcohol, it’s only right to share it with others. *Please do not use a Sharpie marker to mark your Bud Light at a party. People might start to talk.
  6. The wood piled on either side of the fireplace…First, who stacks their cords of wood in the house, much less, in their living room. How do you clean around this? Aren’t you worried about the spiders who hang out on such logs, and have you ever heard of a “log holder”? Do you not leave your house during the winter? Perhaps laziness? I think this explains the name tagged alcoholic beverages placed accordingly throughout the room. I hope you didn’t spill your Bourbon when you hauled all of this in. That would be a shame…

We will move on to page 20 next week….this will require me to write an entire novel….

PB or bust ~

VSK