Holiday Songs

Politically Incorrect Christmas Carols – Day 1 – “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

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Today I was listening to Pandora while putting up Christmas decorations with my kids. Yes, it is only November 13th. Yes, perhaps that’s a little crazy, but I decided to roll with it.

I LOVE Christmas music. Let me get that straight upfront before you accuse me of being a holiday hater. As a woman of words who feeds off of books, song lyrics and scripts I started listening. Like, REALLY LISTENING, to the lyrics of some of the holiday songs that we sing like well-trained carolers every year for roughly two months, before tucking them away and turning back to Roar by Katy Perry.

For the next month and a half, I’d like to break down the lines to some of our favorites. Humorously. But I think we owe it to ourselves to know WHAT exactly we are singing about as we stand in a 4 mile long line to check out at Walmart, a cart full of cr@p (you came in for two gift baskets, and you’re leaving with a box of 4800 candy canes, a Santa Claus dressed in a hawaiian shirt, reindeer slippers that jingle when you walk, and an angel dressed in camo holding a rifle), with a credit card in your hand while humming Jingle Bells as the lady in front of you picks her nose, and wipes it on the flannel sleeve of her plaid shirt. Welcome to the holidays. 🙂

Let’s break this down shall we? Up first…

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I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside) <—- Where is she in a hurry to? The grocery store, to donate blood, another date? I think we need this information upfront before singing about it.

I’ve got to go ‘way (Baby, it’s cold outside) <—– It’s AWAY, not ‘way. This is not 1995. No way! Way…

The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in) <—– Has been….delightful? Magical? Horrible? Weird? Awkward? Why didn’t she call before coming over? I smell a sinful secret here.

So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice) <—- If your hands are ice cold, I refuse to hold them. Warm them up, then we’ll talk.

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry) <—-33 and living with your mom. It’s sweet of you to leave without telling her in the first place. Apparently you don’t own a cell phone.

And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar) <—-My dad would have already called the cops by now. The fireplace doesn’t roar, it crackles. If it roars, apparently you are talking to Sirius Black in Harry Potter.

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry) <—-Rats scurry. I skip. If you scurry away, apparently you have no sense of direction. 

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour) <—-Let’s keep drinking so I can get behind the wheel. Sounds like a stellar idea. Music? I’ll put some AC/DC on….

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there) <—-Alright, you two are definitely cheating. It is bad out there. Especially if his wife comes home early.

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there) <—-Xanex. Enjoy.

I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now) <—-How to what? Tie your shoes, ride a bike, kill a cockroach, juggle oranges? Your eyes look like starlights because you’ve been drinking for the past hour. Duh.

To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell) <—-Okay, now I’m beginning to think we are dealing with Mary Poppins. Yes. It’s Mary Poppins and Harry Potter. I KNEW it.

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer) <—-She said no, bro! What up? She didn’t invite you to “move in closer”. She said, no, no, no. That usually means…NO.

At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride) <—-A slap across the cheek usually works. Or yelling. Or running…running is good.

I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out) <—-You’ve been saying that for a while, but you are still here. I bet your mother is hysterical and your dad is fuming by now. Just a guess, sweetie.

Oh, but it’s cold outside <—-Put a coat on. Just a suggestion. Or a Snuggie.

My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious) <—- I knew it! It’s your sister’s husband! Ah-ha! 

My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about you brother) <—- Whoa. What kind of family IS this?!

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me) <—- Is this an episode of Downton Abbey? Or maybe an episode of Real Housewives of Orange County? I think we’ll go with Jerry Springer on this one.

Well maybe just a cigarette more (You don’t need no cigarette, it’s smokin’ plenty up in here) <—- Smoking, drinking, canoodling, cheating….if this isn’t the perfect picture of a happy holiday family, I don’t know what is…

I’ve got to get home (Baby, you’ll freeze out there) <—- Seriously, put on a coat. Should I spell that for you? Or better yet, have you ever heard of a jacket? Sweater? Housecoat?

Say, lend me a comb (It’s up to your knees out there) <—- You need to brush your hair? What if he has lice? “Say, this has been such a romantic evening I feel like brushing my hair.” Best turn on line EVER. 

You’ve really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand) <—- You’ve been a jerk and pushed her boundaries. Please don’t call her tomorrow.

Oh, but don’t you see (How can you do this thing to me) <—- See what? Oh wait, yikes…things are getting a little too personal here. Cue the chorus….

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Well, think of my lifelong sorrow) <—- Ya think?! You had it coming. Your mom is worried and your dad is pacing. You’re cheating with your sister’s husband, your brother is about to show up, and the neighbors are spying.  I assume it will sound more like yelling than talking though by the time this is over…

At least there will be plenty implied (If you caught pneumonia and died) <—- Happy thoughts. Way to end a song. With death after a fantastic night. Warms my heart like lumpy gravy.

I really can’t stay (Get over that hold out) <—-Get over that hold out? Apparently you need to put the bottle down, sweetheart.

Oh, but baby it’s cold outside <—- {sigh} We’ve discussed this. We. Have. Discussed. This.

Happiness All Around ~

VSK

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author, Uncategorized

Christmas, Cake Balls, The End of the World and Throw Pillows

MayanEndoftheWorld

Well, I woke up this morning. Big blessings for that I suppose, although that now means the dirty dishes in the sink will NOW have to be loaded into the dishwasher, and the stairs have to be vacuumed.

Dude, maybe I’ll just pretend the “cleaning” apocalypse happened instead. I’ll just sit in my oversized, comfy chair with some chocolate cake balls and a good book the entire day.

That good book would be one that is currently unpublished by an author friend of mine who has a BRILLIANT way with words. I read it, and can immediately see myself sitting in a movie theatre with hundreds of other fans. As an author, rejection hurts. I’ve been there, and my writing buddy has walked the path too. But in my heart of hearts, I know I’ll be sitting in that movie theatre eventually watching SVV’s movie someday. It’s just that good.

Hey, J.K. Rowling was rejected nearly 200 times before someone said, “Eh, yeah I guess we can give this kid Harry Potter a try.” That’s all it takes…one yes. I’ll search for it alongside my passionate twin who loves words just as much as I do. I hope she comes and sees my movie someday as well…we’ll eat cake balls together in the back of the theatre and giggle at what a crazy ride it was to get here. {wink}

But, I do think these are worth claiming a “cleaning” apocalypse happened, don’t you?

CakeBalls

No, I’m not willing to share. But if you’d like to try and scratch n’ sniff the computer screen, be my guest. It just might work ya know.

You know you are guilty of doing this on Facebook at least once. How’d that work out for you, by the way? You know how important it is to know your fight name…Random, moving on….

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@[614] Wow, I’ve got a cool fight name…

throw pillows

This is my couch. My husband made the comment yesterday that I just DON’T have enough throw pillows displayed on it. I have to agree, there is always room for more! Just because of his snarky comment I’m going to add more to this holiday-ish display before he gets home from work today.

You know the real reason for so many pillows on the couch? So that my children can roll in them, pushing them to the floor and smacking each other with them, so that I can pick them up and re-arrange them a half a dozen times a day because it’s awesome! Not really, I don’t know why there are so many pillows on the couch. There is just something about women and throw pillows. Maybe I have an addiction problem…I don’t want to talk about it…

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Have a wonderful Christmas with friends and family this weekend! I’m so glad the Mayans were wrong…I can’t wait to see Santa and ask him for a publishing contract! I bet he brings me a throw pillow instead though…

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

VSK

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

‘Twas The Night Before New York

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‘Twas the night before New York and all through our home, all the kids and adults were excited and ready to go!

We packed all our bags and got all the kids on a plane, flying three hours with no whining or a single complaint.

Once we arrived we pulled our bags to a big black van, it looked like it transported an entire mafia clan.

With our eyes filled with wonder we watched the New York skyline grow, as we muddled through traffic that was terribly slow.

As we arrived we were told, “You were arriving today? I thought your arrival date was still another week away?”

Uh no, dear sweet apartment owner our clan of seven is here, you better clean this darn place or me you shall fear!

So we left our bags behind as the maid went to work, cleaning up the mess of the previous family that must have been raising a clan of spoiled rotten twerps.

We went and ate at a hole in the wall eatery filled with angry New Yorkers, that spat profanities because the clerk didn’t want to be paid with a bag full of quarters.

As I covered my youngest one’s ears from the s-nannigans and f-bombs that spewed like a cork, I thought to myself, “Yep, this is New York!”

Then the real fun began when the mice joined our family, running wild through our apartment for the mounds of candy…that had been left behind by the previous twerps, that I wish I could give a talking to about respect and that cleaning up after yourself really does work!

Eleven mice have been hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that the so-called maid soon would be there. (She hasn’t been…moving on…)

We’ve also experienced a broken TV, a DVD player that doesn’t work either, and a hairdryer that caught fire, yes the trip has been fun, but the apartment is like a plot from a bad movie starring McGyver.

The best parts of the trip have been the visit to Macy’s to see Santa, the carriage ride through Central Park, coffee in Times Square…it has been totally amazing to spend the holidays here!

So off I must go, there are more things to do, the electric mouse trap just went off again…I can smell him cooking in the other room… <—- Totally serious, it just happened!!!

Good night from NYC ~

VSK (the epic mouse catcher)

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Fall Catalog 2012…Cue the Holiday Music and Make-Believe Elves

 

I know. I’m late with this installment. Welcome to my life. I’ve had this post envisioned for over a week now.

So, FINALLY here I sit, in my yoga pants, no make-up and Pandora rocking the confines of my office as I hum along to Mr. Mister. <— Remember…I’m an 80’s girl fanatic!

The unrealistic photography of Pottery Barn continues to boggle this Texas girl’s mind. Let’s look over page 20, class. I’ll wait while you get your catalog. {drumming fingers on the desk}

1) I’m not sure why they chose Snow White’s house to use as their backdrop. 99.9% of us don’t live in house like this. If I did, I’d never leave…because it looks AWESOME…and expensive. I bet one of the Kardashian’s lives here…or Mick Jagger.

2) The pinecone wreath on the door is fabulous, despite the $99 price tag. I’ll just walk over to my neighbors house, steal their pinecones out of their yard, and make the same wreath. Minus the ugly gold deer antlers glued to said pinecones. What do antlers and pinecones have to do with one another? I wonder if a vegetarian would hang this wreath on their door…..

3) The lanterns on the steps are interesting. Especially since they are lit with tea light candles during the middle of the day. I want to know what housewife would go out every morning and light these suckers! Oh, and the lanterns are $69 for the medium size and $129 for the large. According to this photo, said housewife spent $852 on lanterns for her PORCH. I’m guessing she’s single. If I spent this much on lanterns, my husband would kill me. I would do the same to him if he bought a “make your own beer” kit at Home Depot…

4) A sleigh with perfectly wrapped brown paper and twine presents sitting on the sidewalk. UPS missed leaving these parcels on the porch. He must of been afraid of breaking the $852 lanterns left carelessly on the steps. {rolling eyes}

5) Two words ~ Fake Snow. Someone got a little crazy with the cotton candy machine on this one…

We will be discussing page 35 next week. OH YES, it is worth discussing. {giggle}

Cheers {and Pottery Barn high-fives} ~

VSK