Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Fall Catalog 2012…Where Magic Roams and Gravy Bowls Cost $200

If I could crawl inside the Pottery Barn magazine and live there, I would. I tried that in my local Pottery Barn store, but you can only lounge on their display couch for so long before the alarm sounds and “Trudy” the sales lady asks if she can place a custom order of this particular couch FOR you, as she looks over her sporty black framed glasses with a snotty glare. I politely respond no, and move over to the other side of the store and pretend to have dinner with the other customers at a $6,983,998.00 dining room table that I am going to beg my husband to buy me for Christmas….

So, I got the new November 2012 catalog in the mail yesterday, and when I saw it, I started to sweat and breathe heavy…because I know I’m going to want everything in it, but I choose not to rack up a $20,000 credit card bill to live like the Kardashian’s. If I had to guess though, Pottery Barn is probably too “posh” for their taste. Is posh a real word? Anyhow….

As I flipped through the catalog this morning while I ate a bagel with pumpkin spice cream cheese and drank a hot cup of Chai, I started to reflect on the creepiness of some of Pottery Barn’s photographs. Like, how UNREAL they really are. As a writer, I over analyze things. This drives particular people crazy in my family…(clearing throat) the guy who sleeps next to me at night…

I understand these photographs are meant to be fairytale like, but I also saw how weird they really are. Let’s start with this picture.

*Grab your Pottery Barn catalog and follow along. Page 12 & 13. You know you have it sitting right next to you, pages dog-eared because you know somehow, someway you WILL buy that $89 wood pedestal on page 11. You have no idea where you’ll put it, but you want it.

What does this picture say to you?

Does it say, “Come sit here and pretend the world revolves around you as you lounge in your world of unicorns and rainbows on a Tuesday afternoon?”

I think that’s what Pottery Barn WANTS you to think, but let’s pick this apart further.

  1. There are too many pillows on the  couch. This says, “This couch costs $2299 and it’s for LOOKING at, NOT sitting on.” It also says, you apparently have neat stacking issues with your throw pillows. Perhaps you’ve taken the word “throw” a bit too far here.
  2. The coffee table ottoman. Who stacks this much stuff on their’s? It’s begging for a young child to drop kick your $40 fake silver pumpkins because they are shiny…and we all know kids are drawn to shiny expensive things. They are simply more fun to break. P.S. Why are there napkins on the ottoman? I don’t see any food…I see drinks, but if you are that messy with drinks perhaps you should eat in the kitchen…or better yet, use a sippy cup.
  3. The fireplace is GINORMOUS and the fire is tiny. Photoshop epic fail. I don’t think Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs live here. If they did, I would be a bit more understanding…
  4. There is a horse with a knife for a leg on the mantel. There is no discussion needed here…
  5. There is a lot of alcohol in this picture…not to mention each one has a name tag tied to it. Apparently this family has issues with sharing. I don’t think Daddy is the only one who likes Cognac. If you have extra alcohol, it’s only right to share it with others. *Please do not use a Sharpie marker to mark your Bud Light at a party. People might start to talk.
  6. The wood piled on either side of the fireplace…First, who stacks their cords of wood in the house, much less, in their living room. How do you clean around this? Aren’t you worried about the spiders who hang out on such logs, and have you ever heard of a “log holder”? Do you not leave your house during the winter? Perhaps laziness? I think this explains the name tagged alcoholic beverages placed accordingly throughout the room. I hope you didn’t spill your Bourbon when you hauled all of this in. That would be a shame…

We will move on to page 20 next week….this will require me to write an entire novel….

PB or bust ~



Why I Dislike Valentine’s Day…and Chalk

I don’t need Valentine’s Day to express to others that I appreciate them. I try to do it everyday. I prefer to celebrate Happy Heart’s Day the other 364 days a year.

I gave my husband my heart 15 years ago. He knows that I adore him, think he’s total h*o*t*n*e*s*s, love him more than life itself and appreciate the sacrifices he makes for our family every single day.

I’m pointing at each of you. For all of my sweet followers out there, you rock my world. Totally. It means the world to me that you enjoy my rambling. I love to ramble about stuff that means nothing. Like how I dodged a squirrel yesterday. When I looked in the rearview mirror, I swear he threw me the peace sign. Why do you think squirrels have the need to cross the road so often? What’s wrong with the OTHER side of the street?……..

This girl loves chocolate. Yes, this includes the sweet, delicious nougat Valentine candy in a box. Yet, I stand around with the other 364 days a year non-Valentine shoppers on February 15th when the heavenly 50% off signs are dually noted. I have no issues eating heart shaped candy in March.

I dislike candy hearts with their silly sayings.”Kiss Me” – Not with that nasty candy heart in your mouth! “Be Mine” – I already am, you dork.

If I wanted to eat chalk, I would grab a handful of Tums or a stick of chalk from my youngest son’s pail in the garage. I did ponder the thought though…do you think candy hearts cure heartburn?! Yeah, you’re thinkin’ about it now aren’t you?!

I will end with Happy Un-Valentine’s Day to all of you! Because I wish nothing but love, joy and happiness for you 365. Always.

Hugs ~