Pottery Barn Spring Catalog 2015 – Bunny Taper Holders I Could Never Afford

Part I

*Dedicated to April Driggers. The one who finds my Pottery Barn hilarity actually hilarious. To others, I’m sure I’m nothing more than a crazed mother who could use some Xanax. 

Let me start by saying, I LOVE Pottery Barn, okay? If I could, my entire house would BE the ever lovin’ catalog. But, I am not of royal decent, I’ve never won the lottery, I don’t know the Kardashians, and money doesn’t grow on trees, so…

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Perhaps we should start with the opening layout above? What do we see here? Beautiful white walls, gorgeous upholstered dining room chairs, fresh flowers, and tapered candles.

Oh yes, this is the eye of perfection. I would love for my dining room to look like this. That dining room table is to freakin’ die for! The thing is, I’d have to die and collect my life insurance policy to pay for said table, because frankly, $2,399 is not pocket change. And it doesn’t come with the chairs. Please add in an additional $349 per chair. Oh you wanted leather, sweetie? Make that $499 a chair.

I would love to sit my arse on that $499 chair. Do you think it feels like silk? Maybe it melts the fat off your rear while you stuff your face with honey ham and mashed potatoes? Remember while sitting in said chair, to smile at your husband while taking small bites of your dinner, your guilty conscience recalling the chocolate bunny you stole out your child’s Easter basket and ate secretly while in the kitchen an hour earlier while making dinner. Do you feel remorse for that? I bet that chair would make you purge your sins. Only because the credit card statement will be arriving in less than a week. You know, the statement with this Pottery Barn dining room set charged on it. I see your smile fading…

Let’s talk about the less than half empty wine glasses on the table. Is this is how you fill your wine glasses for your dinner guests? If you do, we can’t be friends.

See those candles in the  middle of the table? That’s called the “Pierced Bunny Taper Holder”. I’m sorry, did someone murder a rabbit and pierce it with candles? This seems like a cheery centerpiece for Easter. How about calling it the “Sensational Bunny Taper Holder” or the “EPIC Bunny Taper Holder”?

“Oh Marge, I just love that candle holder in the center of your lovely table? What’s it called?”

“Pierced Bunny Taper Holder. You stab it with your favorite colored candles and light it on fire. Cool, huh?” Just NO.

I also love the addition of the knitted throw hung over the back of the chair at the end of the table. Did your guest request this? Does anyone sit at a fancy meal and think, “Well dang, I’m a little chilly while eating this wonderful slice of cured honey ham. If only I had a blanket to cover up with while I ate…”

P.S. Apparently the throw is not for sale. Well, that does it for me. If I can’t have the throw along with the $349 chair, I’m sorry, I mean…I just can’t. The room won’t flow at all without it. I can’t eat my meal without covering myself up…

~ VSK