Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Spring Catalog 2015 – Bunny Taper Holders I Could Never Afford

Part I

*Dedicated to April Driggers. The one who finds my Pottery Barn hilarity actually hilarious. To others, I’m sure I’m nothing more than a crazed mother who could use some Xanax. 

Let me start by saying, I LOVE Pottery Barn, okay? If I could, my entire house would BE the ever lovin’ catalog. But, I am not of royal decent, I’ve never won the lottery, I don’t know the Kardashians, and money doesn’t grow on trees, so…

FullSizeRender (11)

Perhaps we should start with the opening layout above? What do we see here? Beautiful white walls, gorgeous upholstered dining room chairs, fresh flowers, and tapered candles.

Oh yes, this is the eye of perfection. I would love for my dining room to look like this. That dining room table is to freakin’ die for! The thing is, I’d have to die and collect my life insurance policy to pay for said table, because frankly, $2,399 is not pocket change. And it doesn’t come with the chairs. Please add in an additional $349 per chair. Oh you wanted leather, sweetie? Make that $499 a chair.

I would love to sit my arse on that $499 chair. Do you think it feels like silk? Maybe it melts the fat off your rear while you stuff your face with honey ham and mashed potatoes? Remember while sitting in said chair, to smile at your husband while taking small bites of your dinner, your guilty conscience recalling the chocolate bunny you stole out your child’s Easter basket and ate secretly while in the kitchen an hour earlier while making dinner. Do you feel remorse for that? I bet that chair would make you purge your sins. Only because the credit card statement will be arriving in less than a week. You know, the statement with this Pottery Barn dining room set charged on it. I see your smile fading…

Let’s talk about the less than half empty wine glasses on the table. Is this is how you fill your wine glasses for your dinner guests? If you do, we can’t be friends.

See those candles in the  middle of the table? That’s called the “Pierced Bunny Taper Holder”. I’m sorry, did someone murder a rabbit and pierce it with candles? This seems like a cheery centerpiece for Easter. How about calling it the “Sensational Bunny Taper Holder” or the “EPIC Bunny Taper Holder”?

“Oh Marge, I just love that candle holder in the center of your lovely table? What’s it called?”

“Pierced Bunny Taper Holder. You stab it with your favorite colored candles and light it on fire. Cool, huh?” Just NO.

I also love the addition of the knitted throw hung over the back of the chair at the end of the table. Did your guest request this? Does anyone sit at a fancy meal and think, “Well dang, I’m a little chilly while eating this wonderful slice of cured honey ham. If only I had a blanket to cover up with while I ate…”

P.S. Apparently the throw is not for sale. Well, that does it for me. If I can’t have the throw along with the $349 chair, I’m sorry, I mean…I just can’t. The room won’t flow at all without it. I can’t eat my meal without covering myself up…

~ VSK

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Money Counters and Morons With Blue Hair

Sally'sBeautySupply

The holidays are such a glorious season of wonder, aren’t they? They are also the time of year where your patience is tested, and crazy people seem to seep into the “10 items or less” grocery store line in front of you with 35 items. I am a tolerable and very patient person, but sometimes I just want to stroke a person’s hand and say…

Oh Sweetie…do you ever think your thoughts through before opening your mouth, because you should’ve just stayed home today…in a beanbag chair eating chili cheese Fritos with Lil’ Muscle your toy Poodle.

So Christmas was EPIC…glad it’s over. New Year’s Eve…full of excitement!

My handsome hubby and I were kid-free on New Year’s (silent fist pump), so we decided to roam the aisles of Target before dinner. When you roam the aisles with kids, it isn’t “roaming”. It’s more like chasing rats.

Don’t touch that! – No, I’m not buying you ANYTHING. We came here for shampoo, not Pokemon cards. – Your legs are not broken…keep walking or I’ll give you a reason to run. – Watch where you’re walking! There are other people in this store, ya know. Spinning down the aisle usually results in getting run over. Now you know…

So hot hubby and I roamed the aisles. Like, took our time and looked at things. If you are a parent, you understand…

Standing in the checkout line, there was a guy in front of us wearing a Cookie Monster tee that said “Eat Me”. First clue, this was not going to go well…

He had Red Bull and batteries…not going there…

As he checks out, he asks the cashier and I the following, jaw dropping question:

Where can I buy temporary blue hair color? I want to dye my hair before I party tonight.

Oh really? In the words of my husband AFTER I KINDLY directed him to Sally’s Beauty Supply down the street…

I hope he’s not planning on trying to pick up a chick tonight. The only “chick” he’s going to see is a bucket of KFC at 1 in the morning after he leaves the bar ALONE.

Now if he would’ve looked like this, perhaps he MIGHT have had a chance at an incredible New Year’s Eve.

Cutiewithbluehair

Fast forward to today…

My children saved their hard earned $$$ for a MacBook. Low and behold, two of my three saved up half for a brand spankin’ new one. If you know MacBooks, you know they aren’t cheap. We agreed to make up the difference, and buy them a MacBook for Christmas. Hubby and I are so proud of them for working so hard the past nine months!

Anyhow, the cash they have were in bills and about a million and one quarters. So, off to the bank we went this morning to deposit their half of the money. We stand in line, wait a while, and then finally make our way to the teller.

Me: “I need to deposit this cash into our checking account, please.”

Teller: “Oh, we don’t accept loose change.”

Me: “But, this is money…and we are at a bank, right?”

Teller: Laughing while probably thinking dirty thoughts about me, “Well yes, but we don’t have a change machine counter here. I can either give you paper sleeves to go home and roll your coins, or we can send your change off to a company to count it for you at no cost.”

Me: Giggling, “You serious? Can you at least deposit the bills or do you not have a bill counter either?”

Teller: “No, we don’t have a bill counter either, but I can hand count them for you Mrs. King, that’s not a problem.”

OMGosh, are you kidding me? Even Kroger has a change machine! Good gravy, what’s next? Is the bank going to tell me that if I want to get money out of the ATM I have to talk to the ATM elf first? I bet elves are secretly working in the back of the bank counting loose change.

Hey Jingle the Elf, you’ve got 364 days until Christmas, so hop to the money counting dude! Santa’s not expecting you back at the North Pole for a while. Right now, you’re my money mogul…start shuffling bills.

Elf

I bet the guy with blue hair works at the bank. He probably oversees the elves in the back…

Welcome to 2013!

VSK

P.S. I don’t make resolutions, I make goals. This year, I will find a publisher. Mark my words, supportive, awesome peeps! I love all of you! I write because you encourage me to, and that is more than I could ever ask for.

Random Thoughts From An Avid Author

Pottery Barn Fall Catalog 2012…Cue the Holiday Music and Make-Believe Elves

 

I know. I’m late with this installment. Welcome to my life. I’ve had this post envisioned for over a week now.

So, FINALLY here I sit, in my yoga pants, no make-up and Pandora rocking the confines of my office as I hum along to Mr. Mister. <— Remember…I’m an 80’s girl fanatic!

The unrealistic photography of Pottery Barn continues to boggle this Texas girl’s mind. Let’s look over page 20, class. I’ll wait while you get your catalog. {drumming fingers on the desk}

1) I’m not sure why they chose Snow White’s house to use as their backdrop. 99.9% of us don’t live in house like this. If I did, I’d never leave…because it looks AWESOME…and expensive. I bet one of the Kardashian’s lives here…or Mick Jagger.

2) The pinecone wreath on the door is fabulous, despite the $99 price tag. I’ll just walk over to my neighbors house, steal their pinecones out of their yard, and make the same wreath. Minus the ugly gold deer antlers glued to said pinecones. What do antlers and pinecones have to do with one another? I wonder if a vegetarian would hang this wreath on their door…..

3) The lanterns on the steps are interesting. Especially since they are lit with tea light candles during the middle of the day. I want to know what housewife would go out every morning and light these suckers! Oh, and the lanterns are $69 for the medium size and $129 for the large. According to this photo, said housewife spent $852 on lanterns for her PORCH. I’m guessing she’s single. If I spent this much on lanterns, my husband would kill me. I would do the same to him if he bought a “make your own beer” kit at Home Depot…

4) A sleigh with perfectly wrapped brown paper and twine presents sitting on the sidewalk. UPS missed leaving these parcels on the porch. He must of been afraid of breaking the $852 lanterns left carelessly on the steps. {rolling eyes}

5) Two words ~ Fake Snow. Someone got a little crazy with the cotton candy machine on this one…

We will be discussing page 35 next week. OH YES, it is worth discussing. {giggle}

Cheers {and Pottery Barn high-fives} ~

VSK